Something I have never done before, well not publicly at least.  I have always been a writer in the terms of writing things down however not for anyone except myself to read.  I usually tear up, shred, or burn things that I have written. I recognize that I have "purged" my life of many things, especially when conflict arises.  I am the turtle that hides in the shell, not deciding and coming out when the threat is gone.  Making decisions requires you to choose, choosing is painful when it hurts others and walking the tightrope/or sitting on the fence often seems the best choice, for now.  I have walked the tightrope for so long that I have forgotten how to make choices.  I walk along in my life not making choices but letting life make my choices for me.  But then if you need to make a choice you also need to know what you want, who you are, where you would like to be and the things one would like to change.  I don't know any of that.  I am whatever I need to be at any given moment and although I have tried to define myself others often define me based on their needs. I have a difficult time talking about my own needs because I have learned that my needs are not important, but then that points to the reality of myself; I don't think anyone believes that I am important.  I have done quiet a bit in my life, raised 2 sons, put myself through school, gained a college degree, landed a few great positions using my training and still...
Graduating from the Master's program was almost anti-climatic because when it came time to invite people I could not come up with anyone that I thought would want to be there.  I almost didn't go. My children and grandchildren had to be there because they talked me into walking across the stage.   I am not sure where this is all coming from but these things have been on my mid for a while.  I am not trying to dwell or roll in the misery, just trying to figure out where it all started and how to change it. Trying to figure out just who I am.  Almost too late.